Ouch.

I keep on breaking my pinkie toes--three times and counting.  I don't know what's wrong with me.  It's like they jump out at things.  I'm just walking along like a normal person, when

BAM! 

 ...a wall or a chair just comes out of nowhere and ruins my day--and my toe--for the next several weeks.  It's a curse.


This happened yesterday when I was running around trying to clean the house for an impending visit from a friend.  Did my house get clean?  Not really.  It's kind of hard to clean with an icepack balanced on your toe. 


The worst part about breaking your pinkie toe is that there's not a dang thing you can do about it.  I ended up taping it to the next-largest toe last night after a repeat stub, but I'm finding it a bit...claustrophobic.


I keep trying to take a picture, but none of the photos capture the blue tint of the toe quite as artfully as I'd like.

It looks a lot worse in person.

Anyway, I don't know why I'm writing about my toe.  I'm not trying to gain your sympathy or anything--I know lots of people who are suffering worse than I am right now.  I feel like a wimp for even complaining about the inconvenience of being laid up on the couch for the weekend because of a bum pinkie toe.  Do I get the wussiest ailments, or what?  I swear.  Don't cry for me, blog readers.  I'm clearly just a klutz who needs walking lessons.


:(

I don't want to die!

Have you ever had a near-death experience?  I mean, like, you REALLY thought you were dying? 

I just had one today.  I've been going through outpatient laser surgery on some painful (and unsightly) varicose veins in my legs, and it happened during my second procedure.  The doctor was going about his business, and we were all very relaxed.  We were talking about where the doctor went to college, then all of a sudden my stomach hurt very badly, then I started to see tiny white stars, and everything went black.  I didn't lose consciousness (I was talking the whole time), but I couldn't see anything and my face felt like it was swelling up, ready to burst.  My breathing became labored, and as they rushed to give me oxygen, pain, pain, pain.  I couldn't help but think, This is it.  I'm going to die.

I always thought that dying would be a peaceful experience.  I believe in an afterlife (though I'm not quite certain what it may be), and I thought that dying would feel like going home.  You know what, though?  I didn't feel like that at all.  All I could think about was my nearly four-year old son in the waiting room, and how awful it would be for him to lose his mother.  Well, that, and how embarrassing it would be to die during leg vein surgery.  I mean, COME ON.  It's like dying during a nose job.  I didn't want my family to have to explain that to people.  How awful for them.

After what felt like several minutes (though I'm sure it was much less), I came to and could see again.  The doctor had me smile and stick out my tongue...or something.  I don't really remember.  My stomach didn't hurt anymore, but the pain had moved down to my lower abdomen, where it remained until thirty minutes or so later, when it was time to leave.  It felt like menstrual cramps from there on out.

The doctor explained that what happened to me was a vasovagal reaction, and he'd seen it before.  He said it feels similar to a stroke or pulmonary embolism, because the brain stops receiving oxygen and the heartbeat becomes dangerously low, but that it passes quickly and causes no lasting damage.  After a quick Google search, I'm a little confused, because all the definitions of that particular condition are basically just fainting.  This was more than fainting.  Hm.

Anyway, whatever it was, I do not want it to ever happen again.  That was by far the scariest thing that's ever happened to my body.  I'm still reeling.  Have any of you ever felt like you were going to die?  What happened?  What did you feel like, what did you think?  I'm curious to know.

The internet is a big, fat liar!

I'm getting really annoyed by all the fake stories that have been taking the internet by storm recently.


You know how it works:  one idiot posts a link on his Facebook feed for his hundreds of "friends" to see, a few of them re-post it, then a few of their friends re-post it, and before you know it, the story has gone viral.  The problem is that since most of these stories don't generally come from serious news agencies who are required to check their facts, people are getting duped into believing things that aren't true in any way, shape, or form.

"And it didn't even hurt!"

Take the facebook tattoo story, for instance.  Last week, the internet was all abuzz over this person who supposedly got a tattoo of all her facebook friends on her arm.  People went nuts over it, talking about how cool and stupid it was at the same time.  FAKE.  Turns out, it was an ad.


Just this past weekend, someone posted this photo online, and it took off like wildfire:

Call me cynical, but who would actually believe this one, much less re-post it?

 Of course, it was fake, and McDonald's is (justifiably) livid.


This week, I've seen at least five friends post this video on Facebook:

 
If you don't have the patience to watch it, it's a girl who says she's named Debbie and is supposedly obsessed with cats, to the point that they make her cry tears of joy.  Considering that the next video from that user is of the same girl, and she calls herself Cara, and her youtube username is Cara, I'm gonna have to go ahead and call this one a big, fat FAKE as well, though it seems that many people haven't gotten that memo yet.  Or maybe they still think it's funny, even though they know it's fake.  Whatever.

"Don't worry dear, it's not botox, I'm just injecting water!"

Remember the San Francisco Bay area mom who shot her child's face up with botox?  That story was actually reported on ABC News, and the mom later confessed to making up the whole thing, but not before California State child welfare agencies spent a lot of time and money trying to hunt her down.  The fact that this story was put out there by a reputable news source really angers me, because they should know better.  Considering the speed at which "news" moves today, I can understand why they want to move fast to get their story out there first, but COME ON, people!  She didn't even use her real name or home town! 

"I'm not a lesbian blogger, but my husband is!"

The internet has taken urban legends to a new level.  The old "I'll have to see it to believe it" litmus test no longer applies, since one fake photo or video can circulate around the world faster than you can say "bologna".  Entire blogs go on for months now before the author fesses up and tells the world that he is not, in fact, a Syrian lesbian living in Damascus, but just some dude from Georgia, USA, with a wife and an overabundance of facial hair.


How are we supposed to believe anything we see or read on the internet anymore?  Or, better yet, why are all these people such big, fat liars?  What ever happened to telling the truth and doing the right thing?  If I sound angry, it's because I am.  I'm tired of getting duped, especially by people who are laughing all the way to the bank because they've just made a quick buck off of my Youtube view.  It really pisses me off.


From now on, if something I see or read seems a bit fishy, I'm going to snopes.  If it hasn't gotten to snopes yet, I'm going to assume it's fake until proven otherwise.  Every day has become April Fool's Day, and I refuse to be fooled even once more.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go to my bank before it closes to fill out some paperwork.  It appears that I've won a foreign lottery, and I need to send off some information.  I'm so excited!!

WTF Amazon?

I ordered something on Wednesday from Amazon and chose the free supersaver shipping, which I always try and qualify for.  Yay.

Yesterday, I decided that I'd really like to receive the shipment sooner because it contained some brass brads that I needed for my screenplay and I have an opportunity to send it out to one of my first-choice actors.  I tried buying the brads here, but none of my local stores carry the right ones, and the right binding is imperative in Hollywood (or so I've heard). 

I logged on to Amazon and started looking at my options for changing the shipping.  When I changed it to overnight, the cost was ridiculous, so I tried to switch it back to free, but I guess that changing it once nulled and voided that offer.  Ugh.  So, I changed it to 2-day, thinking that at least I'd get it sooner than regular shipping, even if it cost a lot more.  I closed my browser (semi-) happy.

Today, I thought to myself, Why haven't I gotten an email saying my stuff is on its way?, so I logged in to Amazon and clicked on "where's my stuff?"  Imagine my surprise when I saw that the estimated delivery date was TUESDAY, JUNE 14TH.  UUUUUUUGGGGGH!

After much digging, I finally found the "contact us" button and started a live chat with a man in India.  Here was our conversation:

You are now connected to Purnima from Amazon.com.

Me:I changed my shipping to 2-day, yesterday, but my delivery estimate isn't until next Tuesday!

Purnima:Hello, my name is Purnima. I'll be happy to help you today.

Me:hi

I was charged for 2-day shipping, but it's not shipping out in time.

I'm very frustrated.

Purnima:I’m sorry to hear about this.

I've checked your order and can confirm that your order has entered the shipping process and is currently being packed for delivery. 

Me:Well, that's great, but I need it here sooner than Tuesday

If it won't be here sooner than Tuesday, then I would like to have the 2-day shipping charges removed, please.

Purnima:I see that your order is scheduled to be shipped by FedEx on June 10, 2011

It should be delivered to you by June 14, 2011.

Me:That's four days.

I changed it yesterday.

I assumed when I changed it to two-day shipping, it would be here in two days.

Purnima:A package shipped on Friday via One-Day delivery will normally arrive on Monday, the next business day. 

You can only get Saturday or Sunday delivery for One-Day delivery packages if that option is available and you choose it at the time of order.

Me:I would just assume change it to USPS shipping, because it would probably be here in the same amount of time for less money.

Purnima:I'm sorry about that.

Me:I tried to change it yesterday, but it wouldn't let me, so I just thought it would be fine and I'd get it sooner.

Purnima:Unfortunately, there is no way to request a specific shipper.

We use a variety of carriers that we've found provide the best service for our different shipping options and assign a carrier automatically when we ship your order.

Me:But I do not want to pay for 2-day shipping if it's going to be delivered FIVE days after I requested the 2-day shipping.

That's not two days.

That's not even two business days. It's three.

Purnima:I'm sorry about that.

As a one time exception, I'll refund the shipping charges on your order when it ships.

I'll personally followup with your order and will issue a refund for the shipping charges.

Would that be alright?

Me:I suppose so. I do appreciate the help. I just wish I could have known before. Thank you.

Purnima:I'm sorry for any inconvenience this might have caused.

Is there anything else I can help you with?

Me:Yes. I'd like for you to get up right now, leave your desk, and hand-deliver my stuff to me.  I would like it here by 8 pm, please.

Purnima:Ok.  Leaving now.

Me:And stop at Starbucks, please.  I could use an iced chai.

Purnima:No problem.  Whole milk?

Me:Soy.

Purnima:Got it.

Ok, that last part didn't happen.  But it should have.  That would have been awesome.  

Anyway, I'm really frustrated.  I love Amazon, I use it A LOT, and you can buy almost anything on it.  Now I know that paying extra for shipping is pretty  much NEVER worth it.  Let this be a lesson to all of us.  You are welcome.